So, on top everything that's going on with my dad being a deadbeat (someone give the man a prize) it's been what, 10 years since I saw him? Nothing at all has changed. He's my dad and I'll always have a spot for him in my chest to the middle-left... but honestly, if you can't trust your own dad to come through for you in a crisis, who can you trust?
If Josh wasn't here I'd be dead. Literally. I have had so many moments of wanting to just off myself in the last week... not to say I would, I'm too cowardly. Wanting to is not doing it people. I'm not unstable. Well, maybe a little, but that's not really the point here. This whole financially skewed situation has caused me to become more resourceful and independent than ever. Good and bad. I'm tired of being strong. I've been strong for so long that I feel like a man and a woman in one. Except, the man part has been the one I use most often. When do I get to be vulnerable, and when do I get to cry and not feel like a complete weakling? I think it has made me bitter towards just about everyone and everything.
I was talking to a financial support worker, and after telling me there was nothing they would do for me, since I'm moving out of province I literally wanted to bite her cheeks off. I mean sick stuff. I mean like Saw Movie type torture. I envisioned sticking bamboo chutes under her nails, and piercing her eyelids with a dull needle. Maybe even lighting her on fire and giving her gasoline instead of water. Things like that. I have never thought like that. That is how angry I've become. A wise person once told me that anger is a secondary emotion, and it's really just a cover for a more deep, personal affliction. Like extreme hurt. That's what it is. Can you blame me though? I think anger can exist as a primary emotion when it's directed toward GOVERNMENT SWINE. Bastards.
You know who does come through for me though? My social worker (child services). As much as she can, though. She gives me resources to call to try and get money to cover some expenses. I can't call tonight though, so I'll have to do it tomorrow morning early. I can't believe that there are so little agencies etc that help women in my situation. You could kind of call it an emergency, or fleeing from abuse. Physical or emotional or mental or verbal. It's all abuse. Right?
Just to re-itterate. I hate the damn government. They are useless and cold. They look down on me like I haven't planned my life out.. it's ridiculous. I want them to find themselves in the same situation. See what it's like. These people have never had hardship so they can't relate.. but why are they working there then? And, AND!!!.. why are social workers mostly without children? How the hell can they understand any situation that has to do with kids, if they've never had em? I tell you. A man invented this system, a single crotchety old badger who hates kids and flowers, and ponies, and candy. BASTARD I'M TALKING TO YOU. If only Heff or Trump ruled the world. They'd never turn away a MILF!
The only comfort and consistency I got out of my day was my girls little faces and Josh. If they weren't around, I wouldn't be either.
Anxiety attacks are back. Last time I had them I was in grade 12. If God exists and he's watching this/allowing this to happen, he owes me BIG TIME.
It's K's birthday tomorrow. I almost feel bad. Again, I say almost. No one should be alone on their birthday. But then again, I was for the past two birthdays, so...
Carol is coming tomorrow to help me pack to move (where exactly, I don't know) and Josh is flying down to help as well. We're going to drive through the rockies. And I have just the song, and band. HOLY! Does that truck have a tapedeck or a cd player? (probably the former) I have to get an adaptor... some things should just stay in my head, because typed on a screen it sounds lame. I actually just said out loud I need an adaptor. Who the heck cares? lol.
Bu really, I do.
Ugh, Boxes. Moving sucks. I really hate it. My mom's also moving this weekend. What timing.
Anyway, that's all for now.
Amz*
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