Valentines Update

I am in love, world. Hear me roar. If only there were a method of technology that the entire universe could know with the click of a button. This is the best I can do. I guess it'll have to do for now. Until, I Amanda DODSON, can come up with a way to inform all beings in this universe or any other that I am in love with Joshua Caney. That's right.

Our Valentines Day, if someone else were looking in, wouldn't seem too special I suppose. But for me, it was the best one I've had bar none. We walked around the city (downtown) and just hung out. We have so much in common, so it's always a safe bet that what one of us wants to do, the other will be down for. Makes for a simple, easy relationship. Sometimes it feels as if no work is required. Isn't love supposed to be like that? Easy. Shouldn't it be that you can't wait to see that person at the end of the day? When they come through your door, your day truly begins? That is my life right now. I am so happy, so deliriously happy that I am completely afraid it's going to explode in my face. After the past 3 years, I came to realize (or so I thought) that I couldn't do any better. And now my life has done a 360. I am terrified that this is a trick, and someone's going to come and tell me I've been on candid camera, or punk'd.

I know I should just stop doubting, and just be grateful, but its so hard! Self sabotage is a bitch, and it's followed me my whole life. My psychologist used to tell me to stop caring about what my family thinks of me and my decisions. I know they won't approve of my decisions regarding Josh, but if I'm happy why should how they feel effect my potential happiness? It's just the old me not wanting to disappoint, but I say screw that, and screw them.

He has really stepped up. The girls love him, and I suspect the feeling is mutual. He's good for them, reliable, kind, warm-hearted. Everything I had ever hoped to find in a man. He's told me numerous times that although the girls aren't his biologically, he wants to have responsibility with them, and contribute to our family. We'll kind of be our own family. Which would make sense, because wherever he is, that's where I feel most at home. He is my home. And after such a short time, it sounds crazy to say, but I hope we're together a long time.. if not forever. I feel like a whole person now. Yes, yes cliche, I probably almost seem childish for putting so much hope on such a short time.. but I'm going to hope for the very best, and with a little bit of luck.. the very best will happen. I'm going to let go of all my doubts. Let things happen. Take that world.

.. and just when you think the world can't possibly sh*t on you any more.. IT DOES

So, on top everything that's going on with my dad being a deadbeat (someone give the man a prize) it's been what, 10 years since I saw him? Nothing at all has changed. He's my dad and I'll always have a spot for him in my chest to the middle-left... but honestly, if you can't trust your own dad to come through for you in a crisis, who can you trust?

If Josh wasn't here I'd be dead. Literally. I have had so many moments of wanting to just off myself in the last week... not to say I would, I'm too cowardly. Wanting to is not doing it people. I'm not unstable. Well, maybe a little, but that's not really the point here. This whole financially skewed situation has caused me to become more resourceful and independent than ever. Good and bad. I'm tired of being strong. I've been strong for so long that I feel like a man and a woman in one. Except, the man part has been the one I use most often. When do I get to be vulnerable, and when do I get to cry and not feel like a complete weakling? I think it has made me bitter towards just about everyone and everything.

I was talking to a financial support worker, and after telling me there was nothing they would do for me, since I'm moving out of province I literally wanted to bite her cheeks off. I mean sick stuff. I mean like Saw Movie type torture. I envisioned sticking bamboo chutes under her nails, and piercing her eyelids with a dull needle. Maybe even lighting her on fire and giving her gasoline instead of water. Things like that. I have never thought like that. That is how angry I've become. A wise person once told me that anger is a secondary emotion, and it's really just a cover for a more deep, personal affliction. Like extreme hurt. That's what it is. Can you blame me though? I think anger can exist as a primary emotion when it's directed toward GOVERNMENT SWINE. Bastards.

You know who does come through for me though? My social worker (child services). As much as she can, though. She gives me resources to call to try and get money to cover some expenses. I can't call tonight though, so I'll have to do it tomorrow morning early. I can't believe that there are so little agencies etc that help women in my situation. You could kind of call it an emergency, or fleeing from abuse. Physical or emotional or mental or verbal. It's all abuse. Right?

Just to re-itterate. I hate the damn government. They are useless and cold. They look down on me like I haven't planned my life out.. it's ridiculous. I want them to find themselves in the same situation. See what it's like. These people have never had hardship so they can't relate.. but why are they working there then? And, AND!!!.. why are social workers mostly without children? How the hell can they understand any situation that has to do with kids, if they've never had em? I tell you. A man invented this system, a single crotchety old badger who hates kids and flowers, and ponies, and candy. BASTARD I'M TALKING TO YOU. If only Heff or Trump ruled the world. They'd never turn away a MILF!

The only comfort and consistency I got out of my day was my girls little faces and Josh. If they weren't around, I wouldn't be either.

Anxiety attacks are back. Last time I had them I was in grade 12. If God exists and he's watching this/allowing this to happen, he owes me BIG TIME.

It's K's birthday tomorrow. I almost feel bad. Again, I say almost. No one should be alone on their birthday. But then again, I was for the past two birthdays, so...

Carol is coming tomorrow to help me pack to move (where exactly, I don't know) and Josh is flying down to help as well. We're going to drive through the rockies. And I have just the song, and band. HOLY! Does that truck have a tapedeck or a cd player? (probably the former) I have to get an adaptor... some things should just stay in my head, because typed on a screen it sounds lame. I actually just said out loud I need an adaptor. Who the heck cares? lol.

Bu really, I do.

Ugh, Boxes. Moving sucks. I really hate it. My mom's also moving this weekend. What timing.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Amz*

so, this will be awkward..

Ex-Mother in Law coming to help pack. Same day as Josh arrives to do the same.. and possibly.. me. Feels weird. This is weird, right? Yeah this is weird. How am I going to get through those hours pretending that he's a friend? Wow. Remember the story of the crucifixion? It'll be harder than that. And if you're one of those that doesn't believe in Jesus and all that stuff, then it will be the hardest thing done in history.

I mean I know that Kevin and I are done, and nearly done on paper, at that. But, I'll feel bad. That's not exactly crazy right?

I was saying earlier that it makes me feel like a kid again. Sneaking around on mommy, whispering sweet nothings when dad's not looking... sitting awkwardly across from each other, stealing glances. I have been demoted to a goddam teenager. Except then it was something new and forbidden, not something I've had lots of and expect more of and crave of. I'm a mommy myself, why can't I do these things out in the open? It's not my fault her son fails at life. Right? Still the guilt that is residual from my dictatorship of an upbringing rears it's ugly head to remind me that may be hurtful to someone else. Ugh. I hate my conscience. I wish it would go bury itself. I'm tired of living in a box. Four sides that keep me reigned in at all times, doing everything appropriately. I want to be crazy and spontaneous (as much as is possible with 2 kids...) and enjoy my life. And I don't plan on hiding the most important person to enter it since G. I am in love, and the world is going to goddam lie down and accept it.

So my mom tried to give me "the talk" today. She also asked if I needed it, and I assured her I knew exactly what happened when a boys dingaling enters a girls hoohaa. It happened twice, mother. Better late than never I guess. Damn, I've probably had more sex than my 46 year old mother. Love you mom. Granny. LoL.

Here's something you haven't hard in awhile.. I am completely unlucky (and to be honest I should've led the post with this) but as per usual.. I was bailed on. My father, with whom it took me 10 years to reconnect with offered to borrow a truck from his work and bring me back to Surrey, as well as lend a bit of support financially. So, as the gods would have it, he calls me last night (drunk btw) and casually mentions that he can't move me, and is going to edmonton next month and may be able to do it then.

Listen, drunken father, I gave notice, that means off the premises on the 1st or before. Calling up my landlord and saying "Hey, I changed my mind, so could I live here for free for a month?". I'd be more likely to become a member of the Taliban before I'd see a moment of genuine generosity for Mr. White (landlord). Maybe he'd generously skip the phrase and just give me the hand gesture? Most likely.

I am determined though. My heart is set on Surrey. Wow, that sounds so wholesome up til the "Surrey" bit. lol. I miss the things about Fleetwood. Douchebags as far as the eye can see, plenty of ammunition for sarcastic jokes and cutting remarks. Also, lest we forget the multiculturalism. Mounds of 20 milkjugs tied together on every lawn, due to (the real Canadian (LOL)) Superstore being sold out of milk as soon as it arrives. You know it`s true. You heard me before, Surrey is AN INTERNATIONAL punch line. That`s right. Someone in timbuktu (sp?) is thinking of your vag right now, girl.

I have to wake up at the crack of bloody dawn tomorrow to look into resources for getting money. I mean.. may as well hit up everyone, eh? My family is low on the help, compassion and general likeability scale. Even their friends secretly hate them. I`m just a little more open about it. Honesty is the best policy, that`s my motto.

Anyways thats all folks.

Amz*

Makin' my move..

Back with the cliche titles. You know you missed it.

I am moving back to Surrey, BC as of January 31st. Couldn't be happier. I am so ready to be a Surrey girl again. Funny and true story. I was in Russia for ballet training in Grade 11, and there us girls ran into a bunch of local men who asked us where we were from. We said Canada, they asked where in Canada. We said Surrey BC. (No joke) They looked at each other, smiled and said SURREY GIRLS!!! And then asked us out. True, I swear. No one was more surprised than me that our reputation precedes us that badly. Worldwide.

Anyway, back on track here. I've been neglecting my blog to spend time on the phone with Josh, and to pack my belonging and separate them from you know who's. And no I'm not talking Voldemort. I am literally on the phone 4-5 hours a day if not more. Good thing I have unlimited text and calling anytime! Or else I'd have major bills. Josh entered my number wrong in his my 5 so he could've been actually charged $500+ for two weeks of talking. Serious.

Love.

So apart from packing he who must not be named's (sp? gr?)crap in separate boxes and figuring out what he deserves to take with him (which isn't alot), not alot going on.. trying to figure out money. Even from jail he screws me financially. Hell if he was dead he would still reach fromt he grave to fuck with me. I am in so much debt due to him. My life in a nutshell. Trust and get screwed. Luckily for me I've found someone worthy of trust. Yes, whatever I write will always come back to him, get used to it.

I've taken everything, because I am goddam entitled at this point. ENTITLED. I took the consoles, the tv, the new receiver, the wireless speaker system.. if it costs a mint, it's mine.

I also did a few bitchy things like sell all his cool electronics, his bass etc. I almost feel bad. Almost.

Honestly, I joke about it alot, but I've gone a few years now believing I couldn't do better and the bad karma I kept getting was mine and deserved what I got. It's hard to admit this without seeming self-absorbed but I am worth a hell of a lot more than this. I didn't do anything bad enough to deserve the flack I've been getting. And then now I'll probably mention that this is why there is no higher power. Bad things wouldn't happen to good people without reason. Why was my kid taken away? I have no qualms in expressing the fact that I am a fantastic mother, not perfect, but fantastic nonetheless. What did it teach me? To hate the government. Did it help me to forgive Kevin or Social Services? No. Not in the least. What did I gain? Bitterness, Hate, Resentment. What kind of God would give you that? None that I believe in. None that I would want. None that exist. That's who.

So, there's my rant.. but I'm sure there'll be more.

Laundry. BAH.

I'm not sure, but it seems lately alot of unlikely suitors have come forward to try to sleep with me (haha, I said suitors, what era is this?) I mean, Aaron Desnoyers (remember him? if you went to WWE or FP) Rob Radanovic? My god, what am I? A douche magnet? I'm intrigued and if they had said something years ago I may have even considered it. I was so lonely for like 3 years I would've taken any attention I could get. But not only did it not cross my mind, I interupted their talk of "throbbing" this and "wanting" that to talk about Josh and how great he was. (told you it would come back to him!) I don't want anyone else, and wouldn't even consider it. I may even turn down Clive Owen, if he asked. Which is saying something, because I love me some BRITISH Clive Owen. Josh is my Ron*.

* Ron is my mom's bf, she met him when she was down on her luck, they've been together 10 years. He makes her a better person, he is reliable, dependable, deep and loving. I tell my mom that I think Josh is my Ron. She laughs.

So my dad comes down to move me on Friday Night or Saturday Night. Not sure which. Probably Saturday. Hopefully sooner, for obvious reasons. My sister Annabell is coming down too. First time seeing her in person since her infancy. Wow. She's a trained babysitter (HALLELUJAH!)

I made hot v-day plans. I'd tell you, but I can't because a certain someone would spy. I used to hate Valentines Day. Maybe it's because I never had a reason to like it? I've been broken up with twice the day before Valentines Day. Hmm maybe that's why? It's too corporate. And I swear if I ever get red roses or something heart-shaped I might puke. Maybe even purposely in their direction. The thought counts, but I am a woman, not a little girl.

So, keep you posted. The move will be awesome. So psyched. SOOOOO psyched.

Mmm.. Love.

*Amz

So, long time no talk...

OMG OMG OMG OMG omg omg omg omg....

Amazing weekend. Just incredibly spectacular. Scrumtrelescent. That's what it was. Though I can't tell you why.. who knows who's reading!!

Amazing.

So, something pretty cool happened this week (already, it's only monday!) I reconnected with my dad, after.. 10 years? We have a lot of misunderstandings to muddle through.. but.. we'll get there. And I'm moving back to BC like I've wanted to for ages. Both good pieces of information, both I'm happy about.

This weekend. OMG. I wish I could tell you. But I can't.... I can't. Some blog this is, I can't even tell you the juiciest bits of my life!!! ARGH!

*sigh*

Open Arms - Journey (the perfect song about how I feel about it all)

-Amz*

so, horoscopes are not bs, I can prove it!

Today's horoscope, received from a friend via text, was completely and utterly accurate. To a t.
It hasn't happened on alot of occasions, but lately, almost every day it literally explains my decision making choices etc. It's amazing.

Early night tonight, I've been spending too much time talking to friends late online or on the phone. Good thing I have unlimited all over Canada, if I didnt my bill would be.... hefty to say the least. But... yeahhh.

Not alot to say tonight, not a particularly awesome day, actually pretty stressful, and there's no one around to talk to about it (which is fine) so it'll fester until someone helps me lighten the burden on these shoulders, which my friends are always good for. So this is me willing someone to call me! Someone? Anyone!? Oh nuts!:P

So, I go off to bed now! Nite.

-A

.. *sigh*

I'm feeling a little blah today. I know exactly why, but it's not something I can get into at the moment.

Other than that, my plans for the new year were to start eating right, drinking water and cutting down on inactivity. So far so good. Ive been able to dedicate most of my mornings waking up before the girls, having some me time to stretch, think.. it's been really beneficial for me to contemplate over hot water and lemon. Though thinking is sometimes cruel if you do too much of it. All I had other than water today was milk, so that's good. I'm trying avoid pop, my vice! I miss my pepsi.. *sigh*.

Missing him, but have to stay strong.

The girls were a real handful today, both of them inconsolable and misbehaved. Ugh!

Today was just a crummy day altogether.

-A

Day 4, are ya proud?

Fourth day in a row.. this is only 3 days longer than my last blog attempt!

So, I spoke to my mom today, who is vindictively trying to get the tenants below her evicted, so I can move in with the girls. Love her and her ways. I hear the tenants are real jerks, so.. no real issue there right? Doing the landlord a favor. My mom, always thinking of others! *sigh*

I would love to see my mom, even see her all time. But living below her? I dunno. I like my privacy and though I have mad love for my mommy.. I'm just not sure of the idea. I'm sure if things work out I could even be there temporarily until I get on my feet, save up some money.

But other than that, I got into my writing again, starting last night. A certain person I know has inspired me to start again. Alot of good girl friends of mine are also occasional writers. But the only things I can seem to put onto paper (or screen) are love, pain and sadness. I guess you write what you know, right? But it was always something I really loved, and I feel it's therapeutic for me to get my emotions out and have it become real rather than abstract (as in i can see it rather than simply feel it and lose touch of it).

I've enjoyed blogging, not that anyone really reads this, but it still helps me to get it out. I would hope that family reads this.

I am so excited for this weekend, for obvious afforementioned reasons. A glorious reunion with someone who has come to mean a great deal to me throughout the past couple weeks and has been here for me during my hardships. They rock my world!

Til tomorrow.

-A

If I Were A Memory

If I Were A Memory
Amanda Lynn

This is my bliss, to steal a moment
To be a fraction of a second preserved in your mind
That is a place I could remain forever
Unchanged and never aging
With pleasure undimmed and a smile unfailing
I would humbly await to be thought of
And then, once used, take up my place in your subconscious
Hoping upon hope that soon you'll recollect me once more
And I will remind you.

If I were a memory your brain would be my home
I could know you inside out, from the inside
I would finally understand why it is I occupy my space
And why I am worthy of it.

I would nestle between remembrances of childhood,
I would fight away your demons
I would take upon myself all your pain
I would help you to surpass the past

I could put the pieces together again and help you to understand the truth:
You're everything to me.

A current obsession, thanks Glee :/

This is literally a super short post about a song from season one of Glee. I have listened to it everyday since that episode! Thanks alot, Glee, for being awesome and opening the younger generations up to all sorts of old school love music! I just wish it wasn't so damn good!! I used to make fun of Kevin's dad for listening to Lionel Richie.. I am now on the bandwagon. I hang my head in shame.

Hello - Lionel Richie (give it a listen. if you can ignore the extreme 80's shoulder pad-wearing beat and mono-sound, it's great! do yourself a favor... expose yourself to some Lionel lovin')

Yes I did just say that. I hang my head in shame yet again.

-A

.. i'm on a roll! 2 for 2!

So, second day having this blog and second post, so far so good! Actually, it's kind of nice (as I was telling a friend the other day) to talk about my life and it's intricacies to (some) total strangers. Anyone reading this who is an uninvolved third party should feel free to comment. Friend may have a side to take, and I could use some objective reasoning or input on some of my.. situations?

So today was not too eventful. I told my husband I wanted a seperation officially today, and it was a really hard thing to do. When you're not face to face (or talking to them specifically) you thought process and reasons seem so clear, and nothing can shake you. But when I talked to him I wanted to go back to my old self (a doormat) just in order to not make him hurt. But I stood my ground, and I'm proud to say I did it. Please don't get me wrong, I'm sure it sounds like I'm really happy about it, but it's a horrid situation and no matter what I would decide someone would get hurt, the only difference now is I chose not to be a victim or feel self-pity. I think what I'm happiest about is that I made a decision and stuck to it for once in my life.

Looking back, you never want to say that people were right. My entire family told me not to get married, or have kids! I was 19 and young, and foolish blah de blah. Maybe I was never in love, I just had love for him (it's hard to tell the difference, am I right?) Your mind tricks you into thinking that what you feel is the deep real thing, when really it's hormones - and that's why KIDS don't get married. I wouldn't take it all back for any reason though, because I have my two beautiful daughters, was with a great guy for two years (no matter what I will ever say, I will never deny he has a heart of gold and he is a great dad) and learned some value self- and life-lessons. I would hope that my family (if reading this) would have the manners to refrain from I TOLD YOU SO'S :/ ...

OH! I forgot to tell you the other drama in my life at the moment. So, not too long ago my mom told me that an old girlfriend of my dad's what trying to get ahold of me over facebook. I thought it was odd because I hadn't seen her in over 10 years. SO I added her to facebook, and there I remembered that that girlfriend had a daughter who was an infant at the time (now 12). Thus, I have a half sister whom I have never gotten to know! So I added my sister, we'll call her A for the purposes of this blog. So I contact A and have been trying to get to know her. It's a slow process she's a preteen, and doesn't have much time for me! She says one day, dad visits some weekends and he gives me money. First of all you have to know I haven't seen my dad since my 12th birthday (I am now 22) and he never paid my mom a dime of child support... She then said that she had his phone number, and asked if I wanted it. See, now I'm thrown. Do I involve this man in my life, and the life of my children (his grandchildren) when he was an abusive alcoholic back then? I hear he's changed, but how can I really know that? And even if I did know that, would it be enough for me to forgive him of the past and have a relationship with him now? If anyone has some input on the subject or any experience, please comment.

This whole new sister thing got me to thinking that I had never met much of my dad's family, including my bio grandmother on his side, and lived my whole life without Aunts and Uncles (my mother was an only child). I remembered from my childhood that my dad once showed me a graduation picture of a woman and I recalled her being called Yolanda. So, I being the facebook connoisseur that I am, decided to search the database for Yolanda (last name witheld), and dag gum! There she is. The only other fact I knew about my dad was that he was an Ontario native, and so was the Yolanda I found. So I added her. She adds me back and tells me all about this family I never knew I had! So now I have all these people to get to know. And all of the content in this blog is happening at once. I am bombarded with decisions and information right now, I feel like I could explode sometimes!

Luckily for me, I have a good close friend from the good ole days to talk to about it with. I've known them forever, and they bring me alot of comfort and understanding. I appreciate this person very much for sticking it out with all this time, and giving our friendship a real chance to grow. I thought I'd mention them in this blog to send my true thanks, and hope they know how much it means! <3 Yay! - (JC)

So, on a different note, the weather here is ominous today, we're supposed to get 6 - 10 cm of snow here (in Calgary) tomorrow, and the sky and clouds look full of snow, and the dry cold has come back (and my skin complains of this!). I am not looking forward to this, and if I had a way I would murder that weatherman... *again, double stroller + snow = one unhappy AMZ!*

I miss my family alot. Especially my mom. We have a good relationship and it's hard to be away when we could be bonding more. And my grandma and I are finally on good terms now, so I look forward to getting closer to her again too.

I don't think there's much else to say now, other than the friend mentioned above is coming to visit me!!! Yay! I missed them and it'll be good to re-connect in person. My normal text and wording may be deceiving.. but make no mistake. I am psyched out of my mind.

That is all.

-A

..you've heard it all before..

So this is my first entry , within the first week of a new year, and already I've made resolutions, and already I've made heavy decisions. But let's not get into that. I can't recall what countless number of times I've attempted to create and maintain a proper blog like all the other people I know who blog do. I always felt it was presumptuous to talk about my life and expect others to find interest in the mundane and frivolous (triple word score?) details of it. But apparently it's also a good way to keep masses of friends up to date on the goings on in your days. Not that I have masses of friends, but I bet there are a few who wonder about me from time to time. So this is for you folks who don't have anything better to do than read this blog entry about blog entries...

So I am Amz (name witheld for privacy purposes, plus if you're reading this, chances are you know my name?) I am 22, and I currently live in the quite possibly the worst city, inside the worst province imaginable Calgary, Alberta. Some like it, but I am not in love with this place. In fact, if me liking this city was a relationship it wouldn't even be plutonic. I plan to move as soon as I am able. This plan is futile without the funds to make it happen, so I wait and scrounge as much as I can. I moved here from beautiful Kelowna, BC with my husband and I only had the one daughter at the time. He was promised a job by someone he thought to be worthwhile and reliable - needless to say, it fell through. Even the best laid plans!...

It is not only seemingly impossible to find work or a family doctor in this town, everything that's important both legal and government-wise (not to mention fun or cool) is far away from where I live, and transit sucks. Do not live here if you do not own/operate a vehicle! Ugh. I have never seen ruder people in my life, either. Here I am with a double stroller, pushing through the snow to get to a bus, and it leaves without me, or I'm struggling to get in through non-automatic doors, and no one holds it open. Chivalry and courtesy are dead concepts to Calgarians (probably people everywhere, but my hatred for this city only amplifies it). The long and short of it is that this city has not been kind to me, and I will never return once I leave.

I hope to move soon, pending fundage, to recap. Again. Can't stress it enough.

My life has come upon some obstacles including but not limited to: weight gain (2 pregnancies in 2 years), a collapsing marriage, and legal matters I prefer not to discuss. And while yes I am aware of everyone having troubles etc (and I'm not saying mine are more/less difficult than anyone elses) I can't seem to shake the feeling that someone up there has a serious issue with me, which leads me to believe in karma. I haven't lived my life as "christian" as I'd hoped and I fear I almost deserve what's happened. I have acted selfish, mean, uncompromising - and that's not who I really am. I was unhappy, and I realized that though I can shoulder most of that blame on my attitude, it wasn't just me! It was him. The husband. Someone who had led me down a path away from all my.... selfness(?) I became a totally different person. Petty, materialistic. And that's not who I want to be! And however I try to convince myself that I still love him despite all that's gone on - I can't anymore. It's lying. I am a mother, and I need to be an example in their lives, a good one. This toxic environment has lead me to being bitter and sad. I want my children to remember me as happy and I want them to learn peace and good moral values. I have to protect them from what's happened, and who caused it. ( I know it sounds cryptic, but I cannot discuss the specific circumstances) So, now I venture off alone, trying to lead a new life as a single mom and wondering for the first time in my life "can I do this?".

I've always felt strong, but I just realized that I have always bounced from one relationship to another, with no lag time in between. I haven't given myself time to just be myself and have time to connect with - ME. Mind you, I enjoy a good friendship turned relationship, but I don't have to jump into it like I normally do. Eyes closed, getting soaked right off the bat... Also, I have a family to think about, and it's important to keep watch of who you let in their lives.[b] I don't know how to just be alone.[/b]

I plan to move back to BC, near as possible to where my family members reside, and re-connecting with them again while starting fresh. I know they'll be there to lend support and time and that will be safe and positive for the girls. I am excited for the newness of it all.. but scared because the thought of being alone after all this time is ominous. I've had to go against my feeling of obligatory wifelihood (?) and allow myself to want things again (like a fresh start).

So to recap, starting over, alone, going back home.

So back to my obstacles. The number 2 monkey on my back. Weight.

I have never been this heavy, and I've always been someone who (regrettably) cares alot about her physical appearance, and relies on it heavily for her self-esteem. This is regrettable, and I think alot of people that know me, always knew this about me but never said anything (you are Saints!). I've always been a bit vain, and it disappoints me. It's amazing what you are forced to learn and accept about yourself when you're a mother! It's like you have little mini mirrors following you, mimicking you. I found myself posing in front of the mirror trying to suck in my stomach the other day, and low and behold, there's C, doing the same! She's 2, and this is what I've taught her? I will be nipping that in the bud (and by that I mean closing the bathroom door). But I have decided that I will lead a healthier lifestyle by cutting out the unnecessary, and cutting down on the silly things. I've been attempting to take the girls out everyday for a long walk and to the park for excercise, there I play actively with them (hide and seek, swings etc) and I find myself winded! WINDED! I used to be 115lbs and doing ballet 3-4 times a week for 2-3 hrs. I was winded by playing with my 2 year old. Is this normal? Well, not for me. So it got me to thinking, I need to get my mojo back. Yes I said mojo, and I own that. I want to feel good about myself again, but in a healthy way. Not judging myself for drinking a pepsi, or chastizing myself for an occasional indulgence. I will not allow stress to cause me to eat anymore, and that's why the move and fresh start will be better for my health too.

(BTW: I should note that I am not obese! I have about 40lbs to lose and I'll leave it at that!)

It's a win-win-win.


This had turned out to be a long entry, and I apologize for that. But in my defense, alot has happened, I've had one epiphany after the other regarding why I am where I am in my life right now, and it's forced me to look inside alot deeper than I cared to, or thought I would. I need to get me back, and that is my resolution #1. #2 you ask? Stop writing such long blogs!

-*A