So this is my first entry , within the first week of a new year, and already I've made resolutions, and already I've made heavy decisions. But let's not get into that. I can't recall what countless number of times I've attempted to create and maintain a proper blog like all the other people I know who blog do. I always felt it was presumptuous to talk about my life and expect others to find interest in the mundane and frivolous (triple word score?) details of it. But apparently it's also a good way to keep masses of friends up to date on the goings on in your days. Not that I have masses of friends, but I bet there are a few who wonder about me from time to time. So this is for you folks who don't have anything better to do than read this blog entry about blog entries...
So I am Amz (name witheld for privacy purposes, plus if you're reading this, chances are you know my name?) I am 22, and I currently live in the quite possibly the worst city, inside the worst province imaginable Calgary, Alberta. Some like it, but I am not in love with this place. In fact, if me liking this city was a relationship it wouldn't even be plutonic. I plan to move as soon as I am able. This plan is futile without the funds to make it happen, so I wait and scrounge as much as I can. I moved here from beautiful Kelowna, BC with my husband and I only had the one daughter at the time. He was promised a job by someone he thought to be worthwhile and reliable - needless to say, it fell through. Even the best laid plans!...
It is not only seemingly impossible to find work or a family doctor in this town, everything that's important both legal and government-wise (not to mention fun or cool) is far away from where I live, and transit sucks. Do not live here if you do not own/operate a vehicle! Ugh. I have never seen ruder people in my life, either. Here I am with a double stroller, pushing through the snow to get to a bus, and it leaves without me, or I'm struggling to get in through non-automatic doors, and no one holds it open. Chivalry and courtesy are dead concepts to Calgarians (probably people everywhere, but my hatred for this city only amplifies it). The long and short of it is that this city has not been kind to me, and I will never return once I leave.
I hope to move soon, pending fundage, to recap. Again. Can't stress it enough.
My life has come upon some obstacles including but not limited to: weight gain (2 pregnancies in 2 years), a collapsing marriage, and legal matters I prefer not to discuss. And while yes I am aware of everyone having troubles etc (and I'm not saying mine are more/less difficult than anyone elses) I can't seem to shake the feeling that someone up there has a serious issue with me, which leads me to believe in karma. I haven't lived my life as "christian" as I'd hoped and I fear I almost deserve what's happened. I have acted selfish, mean, uncompromising - and that's not who I really am. I was unhappy, and I realized that though I can shoulder most of that blame on my attitude, it wasn't just me! It was him. The husband. Someone who had led me down a path away from all my.... selfness(?) I became a totally different person. Petty, materialistic. And that's not who I want to be! And however I try to convince myself that I still love him despite all that's gone on - I can't anymore. It's lying. I am a mother, and I need to be an example in their lives, a good one. This toxic environment has lead me to being bitter and sad. I want my children to remember me as happy and I want them to learn peace and good moral values. I have to protect them from what's happened, and who caused it. ( I know it sounds cryptic, but I cannot discuss the specific circumstances) So, now I venture off alone, trying to lead a new life as a single mom and wondering for the first time in my life "can I do this?".
I've always felt strong, but I just realized that I have always bounced from one relationship to another, with no lag time in between. I haven't given myself time to just be myself and have time to connect with - ME. Mind you, I enjoy a good friendship turned relationship, but I don't have to jump into it like I normally do. Eyes closed, getting soaked right off the bat... Also, I have a family to think about, and it's important to keep watch of who you let in their lives.[b] I don't know how to just be alone.[/b]
I plan to move back to BC, near as possible to where my family members reside, and re-connecting with them again while starting fresh. I know they'll be there to lend support and time and that will be safe and positive for the girls. I am excited for the newness of it all.. but scared because the thought of being alone after all this time is ominous. I've had to go against my feeling of obligatory wifelihood (?) and allow myself to want things again (like a fresh start).
So to recap, starting over, alone, going back home.
So back to my obstacles. The number 2 monkey on my back. Weight.
I have never been this heavy, and I've always been someone who (regrettably) cares alot about her physical appearance, and relies on it heavily for her self-esteem. This is regrettable, and I think alot of people that know me, always knew this about me but never said anything (you are Saints!). I've always been a bit vain, and it disappoints me. It's amazing what you are forced to learn and accept about yourself when you're a mother! It's like you have little mini mirrors following you, mimicking you. I found myself posing in front of the mirror trying to suck in my stomach the other day, and low and behold, there's C, doing the same! She's 2, and this is what I've taught her? I will be nipping that in the bud (and by that I mean closing the bathroom door). But I have decided that I will lead a healthier lifestyle by cutting out the unnecessary, and cutting down on the silly things. I've been attempting to take the girls out everyday for a long walk and to the park for excercise, there I play actively with them (hide and seek, swings etc) and I find myself winded! WINDED! I used to be 115lbs and doing ballet 3-4 times a week for 2-3 hrs. I was winded by playing with my 2 year old. Is this normal? Well, not for me. So it got me to thinking, I need to get my mojo back. Yes I said mojo, and I own that. I want to feel good about myself again, but in a healthy way. Not judging myself for drinking a pepsi, or chastizing myself for an occasional indulgence. I will not allow stress to cause me to eat anymore, and that's why the move and fresh start will be better for my health too.
(BTW: I should note that I am not obese! I have about 40lbs to lose and I'll leave it at that!)
It's a win-win-win.
This had turned out to be a long entry, and I apologize for that. But in my defense, alot has happened, I've had one epiphany after the other regarding why I am where I am in my life right now, and it's forced me to look inside alot deeper than I cared to, or thought I would. I need to get me back, and that is my resolution #1. #2 you ask? Stop writing such long blogs!
-*A
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