.. i'm on a roll! 2 for 2!

So, second day having this blog and second post, so far so good! Actually, it's kind of nice (as I was telling a friend the other day) to talk about my life and it's intricacies to (some) total strangers. Anyone reading this who is an uninvolved third party should feel free to comment. Friend may have a side to take, and I could use some objective reasoning or input on some of my.. situations?

So today was not too eventful. I told my husband I wanted a seperation officially today, and it was a really hard thing to do. When you're not face to face (or talking to them specifically) you thought process and reasons seem so clear, and nothing can shake you. But when I talked to him I wanted to go back to my old self (a doormat) just in order to not make him hurt. But I stood my ground, and I'm proud to say I did it. Please don't get me wrong, I'm sure it sounds like I'm really happy about it, but it's a horrid situation and no matter what I would decide someone would get hurt, the only difference now is I chose not to be a victim or feel self-pity. I think what I'm happiest about is that I made a decision and stuck to it for once in my life.

Looking back, you never want to say that people were right. My entire family told me not to get married, or have kids! I was 19 and young, and foolish blah de blah. Maybe I was never in love, I just had love for him (it's hard to tell the difference, am I right?) Your mind tricks you into thinking that what you feel is the deep real thing, when really it's hormones - and that's why KIDS don't get married. I wouldn't take it all back for any reason though, because I have my two beautiful daughters, was with a great guy for two years (no matter what I will ever say, I will never deny he has a heart of gold and he is a great dad) and learned some value self- and life-lessons. I would hope that my family (if reading this) would have the manners to refrain from I TOLD YOU SO'S :/ ...

OH! I forgot to tell you the other drama in my life at the moment. So, not too long ago my mom told me that an old girlfriend of my dad's what trying to get ahold of me over facebook. I thought it was odd because I hadn't seen her in over 10 years. SO I added her to facebook, and there I remembered that that girlfriend had a daughter who was an infant at the time (now 12). Thus, I have a half sister whom I have never gotten to know! So I added my sister, we'll call her A for the purposes of this blog. So I contact A and have been trying to get to know her. It's a slow process she's a preteen, and doesn't have much time for me! She says one day, dad visits some weekends and he gives me money. First of all you have to know I haven't seen my dad since my 12th birthday (I am now 22) and he never paid my mom a dime of child support... She then said that she had his phone number, and asked if I wanted it. See, now I'm thrown. Do I involve this man in my life, and the life of my children (his grandchildren) when he was an abusive alcoholic back then? I hear he's changed, but how can I really know that? And even if I did know that, would it be enough for me to forgive him of the past and have a relationship with him now? If anyone has some input on the subject or any experience, please comment.

This whole new sister thing got me to thinking that I had never met much of my dad's family, including my bio grandmother on his side, and lived my whole life without Aunts and Uncles (my mother was an only child). I remembered from my childhood that my dad once showed me a graduation picture of a woman and I recalled her being called Yolanda. So, I being the facebook connoisseur that I am, decided to search the database for Yolanda (last name witheld), and dag gum! There she is. The only other fact I knew about my dad was that he was an Ontario native, and so was the Yolanda I found. So I added her. She adds me back and tells me all about this family I never knew I had! So now I have all these people to get to know. And all of the content in this blog is happening at once. I am bombarded with decisions and information right now, I feel like I could explode sometimes!

Luckily for me, I have a good close friend from the good ole days to talk to about it with. I've known them forever, and they bring me alot of comfort and understanding. I appreciate this person very much for sticking it out with all this time, and giving our friendship a real chance to grow. I thought I'd mention them in this blog to send my true thanks, and hope they know how much it means! <3 Yay! - (JC)

So, on a different note, the weather here is ominous today, we're supposed to get 6 - 10 cm of snow here (in Calgary) tomorrow, and the sky and clouds look full of snow, and the dry cold has come back (and my skin complains of this!). I am not looking forward to this, and if I had a way I would murder that weatherman... *again, double stroller + snow = one unhappy AMZ!*

I miss my family alot. Especially my mom. We have a good relationship and it's hard to be away when we could be bonding more. And my grandma and I are finally on good terms now, so I look forward to getting closer to her again too.

I don't think there's much else to say now, other than the friend mentioned above is coming to visit me!!! Yay! I missed them and it'll be good to re-connect in person. My normal text and wording may be deceiving.. but make no mistake. I am psyched out of my mind.

That is all.

-A